You need to focus on what you have and stop obsessing about what you don't." Friends, sisters, and mothers can often identify the red flags before a person is willing to recognize them herself. Pay attention if a good friend asks you why you are talking about this person so much, or if she says something like, "Wake up. You have just won a red flag if a husband or wife has expressed disapproval of your communications with X, because it usually means that either the content of the correspondence or the amount of it is off balance-that the interaction isn't totally appropriate, or the time spent talking (online or offline) with the person is distracting from family life. Imagine that your wife was overhearing your entire conversation. It's disrespectful to share intimate details about your marriage or your spouse, and especially in a discourteous manner or with a flip attitude. If you talk about your marriage or your spouse. Keep in mind, a good sex life isn’t just about chemistry.Ħ. Be on guard if you are getting fed in any way by him or her that you don't at home.īetter to address the holes in your life and fill them in safe ways, even if you can’t within your marriage. Be especially careful if you’re sharing intimate sentiments with that person that you don’t share with your husband, or if you feel like your online companion understands you in a way that your spouse doesn't. If you are getting your intimacy needs met in an online relationship or with a co-worker with whom you playfully banter, you might stop to ask yourself why. However, you may very well be investing in an unsafe friendship if you are constantly wrestling with guilt or feel the need to rationalize. It's obvious to you and to your mate that the companionship is completely appropriate. Do you feel the need to justify a very safe friendship? No.
"He is just a friend," is a statement that you don't say to yourself when you're involved in innocent communication. A friend of mine confessed to me that she would spend two hours every night on Facebook chatting with an online buddy until she realized that was more time than she was spending with her husband. For example, if you are emailing a "friend" 15 times a day, that's a tad extreme, even if the content is about SpongeBob Squarepants. If you're spending a considerable amount of time talking to him (her).Īccording to marriage therapist Allyson P., a person needs to consider not only the content of the messages sent back and forth but also the amount of them. If it feels like foreplay in anyway, that’s not good.ģ. If the communications consist of subtle sexual overtones, watch out. But if you notice that your correspondence with this person feeds your sexual fantasies (because an affair is often about sexual fantasy), then you are probably in dangerous waters. Moreover, ask yourself this question: "How would I feel if I knew my wife (or husband) was corresponding to an attractive man in the way I talk to X?" If you feel an uncomfortable knot in your stomach upon answering that question, there you go. Because by deleting them, you are guessing that your spouse would be upset if she read them, and that you are covering up something. If you are deleting your emails - either to her or from her - that's a red flag.